Dead

 So i travelled to the depths of Scunthorpe for a family funeral yesterday , i had to go on my own while brother in law babysat. It seemed to take forever , endless cyclists farm machinery and roads closed . I havent been out this way since before Covid  so theyd chucked lots of roundabouts in as surprises . Anyway i had to screech to a halt at the Crem with just minutes to spare , nothing unusual for me . Then im looking round and realise i know nobody , i was wondering if i had the right funeral . So we waited and waited and waited, the undertakers were on their walkie talkies , all very secret service and 15 minutes later they turn up , my cousins husband would have been impressed he was never on time for anything when he was alive . Genuinely nice bloke , with an evil sense of humour who will be missed . As we troop in i finally spot a couple i know and we sat together in the back pew the wonderful Ellen commented we had the naughty seat for whores , lesbians and ner do wells .  There was a real hell and damnation preacher he even looked like the wrath of god , he was reading the eulogy of the sainted coffin wearer and Ellen and I are looking at each other , it bore no resemblance to the poor bloke , in fact we were trying not to laugh at one point where they said he spent many happy hours in his father in laws garage . His father in Law my uncle hated the human race and if you went in his garage it was for one thing . A damned good bollocking . So it gets to the end and the curtains are closing and my cousin decides to hurl herself on the coffin best drama performance in years . They had been married 54 years so why the hell not . Talking outside after she was telling me that none of the family attended because they two had been shunned for years , partly for sticking up for me . My cousin is profoundly deaf and has been since i gave her measles as a kid so she tends to shout . But what they dont realise is shes the best lip reader ever and we communicate with her whispering in my ear and then reading my reply weve done this since i was a kid . She says ....did you like the jumping on the coffin bit?

i asked why there were no hymms and she says.. im not paying £120 quid for something i cant even hear 

I wondered about the eulogy, she said she could hardly tell the truth the vicar wouldnt have read it .

You see they were ardent naturists and well known local swingers thats why i didnt know anyone the guests were mostly from that side of their life , so all those respectable grey haired old folks all had a past ...lol