Thursday 15 June 2023


 So i travelled to the depths of Scunthorpe for a family funeral yesterday , i had to go on my own while brother in law babysat. It seemed to take forever , endless cyclists farm machinery and roads closed . I havent been out this way since before Covid  so theyd chucked lots of roundabouts in as surprises . Anyway i had to screech to a halt at the Crem with just minutes to spare , nothing unusual for me . Then im looking round and realise i know nobody , i was wondering if i had the right funeral . So we waited and waited and waited, the undertakers were on their walkie talkies , all very secret service and 15 minutes later they turn up , my cousins husband would have been impressed he was never on time for anything when he was alive . Genuinely nice bloke , with an evil sense of humour who will be missed . As we troop in i finally spot a couple i know and we sat together in the back pew the wonderful Ellen commented we had the naughty seat for whores , lesbians and ner do wells .  There was a real hell and damnation preacher he even looked like the wrath of god , he was reading the eulogy of the sainted coffin wearer and Ellen and I are looking at each other , it bore no resemblance to the poor bloke , in fact we were trying not to laugh at one point where they said he spent many happy hours in his father in laws garage . His father in Law my uncle hated the human race and if you went in his garage it was for one thing . A damned good bollocking . So it gets to the end and the curtains are closing and my cousin decides to hurl herself on the coffin best drama performance in years . They had been married 54 years so why the hell not . Talking outside after she was telling me that none of the family attended because they two had been shunned for years , partly for sticking up for me . My cousin is profoundly deaf and has been since i gave her measles as a kid so she tends to shout . But what they dont realise is shes the best lip reader ever and we communicate with her whispering in my ear and then reading my reply weve done this since i was a kid . She says ....did you like the jumping on the coffin bit?

i asked why there were no hymms and she says.. im not paying £120 quid for something i cant even hear 

I wondered about the eulogy, she said she could hardly tell the truth the vicar wouldnt have read it .

You see they were ardent naturists and well known local swingers thats why i didnt know anyone the guests were mostly from that side of their life , so all those respectable grey haired old folks all had a past 


  1. How wonderful, Steve and I once went to a wedding where half the guest were swingers. Everyone was trying to work out who was family and who were swingers.

  2. We didn't have a normal funeral for Tom. We had agreed to a direct funeral, £1.000 in all. The body is taken from the place of death and dealt with by the funeral parlour either early morning or late evening. We therefore didn't go to the church, no hymns, no vicat spouting rubbish and no wasted money on flowers. I shall go the same way. We agreed a long time ago on this. Briony

    1. much tthe same here , i just dont get it , himelf however wants the whole shenanigans

    2. I'm going that way too.