Wednesday 29 June 2016

Training Mission

Well this is a Mr Bah Humbug tale ...
Mr BH has been visiting a disability back to work training center for 6 months now  a couple of days a week and has found it an interesting venue for his bad sense of humour . He was given a new trainer a couple of weeks ago , having had the last 5 months with a lovely lady in which she has been a huge help to him in boosting his confidence more than anything . Hes had a couple of interviews for jobs , one of which he was sure he would get till they saw the level of his problems , it isnt just a bit of a limp on some days .
The mindfullness  lady he had endless phone conferences with was as mad as a bag of rats , hes still baffled as to how positive energy is going to make his life wonderful .
Anyway, he has this new imported from another dimension trainer , he has only 3 weeks left and this bloke is of the school of, bad back = shirker .
Now his trainer has decided that Mr BH can be a bus driver ...mmmmm
now being  the evil sarcastic swine that he is Mr BH chimed up with .
Great I'd love to do that ! and some of the others nodded their heads .
So yesterday they had to attend the first part of his first aid training course , the job they have in mind for them all is disabled kids school bus driver . So there were a few differently abled attendees . The poor bloke running the course did the usual lets introduce ourselves speech .
Hi im Ian , im your trainer for today , im an ex paramedic .
Most were the normal im so and so , they then got to Mr Strange who goes to the same training place as Mr BH and has rather odd mental health problems , who proceeded on a whole rant about not needing to know his name because he had rights .
He then proceeded on with the course which went quite well classroom style learning till lunch , then they got to the Doris the Dummy CPR training .
They were all rolling around on the floor till they got to MR BH who pointed out that if he got down there it would be good training trying to get him back off the floor . They compromised with chucking the corpse on a table and him trying to kill it that way .
Then they had a tea break and Mr BH got chatting to the trainer who asked him what was wrong , he explained and the poor bloke was horrified .
You cant possibly drive a bus you'd never pass a medical for anything let alone that . Do you still have your driving licence?
Yes but it took a lot of arguing to keep it
then another bloke chimed up with
I have a provisional licence
Mr Strange was by now talking to himself in a corner and Mr Bah Humbug told them hed be fine , hed take his pills soon and usually calms down .
They then started defibrillator training and one bloke chimes up with !
Should I really be doing this , I have a pacemaker
The next thing they know is Ian the trainer Is shouting at the new bloke down the phone about did it not cross his mind that they have a duty of care towards the children on these buses and this miscellaneous bunch of cripples arent suitable .
Somewhat to his amazement Mr Bah Humbug passed the course , he has sent his new trainer an email telling them hes decided that hes staying with the group for an extra 2 months . And hes signed up for all the courses on offer !!

Monday 27 June 2016

Politicians Needed (previous applicants need not reapply )

So the great unwashed has risen ?  the uneducated went to the polling station instead of Glastonbury ?
Bad choice there Dave, should have checked your calendar a little better shouldnt  you?
So heres another political broadcast from the Old Biddy Party .
Well this is all a bit of a surprise isnt it , my mother won an election !! Shes suitably horrified that her free bus is still been driven by a Rastafarian and that weird beardy bloke with a carpet behind his seat . Mother dearest we arent about to start cattle prodding people into the sea just because you dont like their colour creed or nationality . Your doctor will remain a nice girl in a headscarf who puts up with inherent racism every day of her life and feels no urge to join ISIS except after half an hour in your company .
Dave...there you and the missus were checking the sausage rolls on the buffet at your victory party when the results started rolling in ..ooops .. Your missus wore her victory dress and let a tear fall as you announced your resignation , what was going through her mind was "Oh shit " no retirement to endless cocktail parties in Brussels for us , now you know how the other half feel when theyre partner gets made redundant , hes going to be boring you to death with this story for the next 30 years at least.
Meanwhile George Osbourne has been hiding under the dining table with a calculator and a pencil trying to think of a way to squirm out of this unholy mess. He couldnt think of anything so now he plans to punish us big time by claiming he has to make these cuts to pay for us leaving  George, this may not be  quite as easy as you think . Folks who already have nothing , no jobs, no prospects, no education dont care anymore what you do  .
OK...Jeremy love , you got this a wee bit wrong if you had sided leave, the mob would now be baying for a General Election in which they would be pushing you to Victory . Though im deeply proud that you handed your deputy his wellies and sent him off to Glastonbury telling him everything would be fine ..Then proceeded to axe your party to bits , your training him so well in The Game of Thrones .

To our overseas readers ......dont panic ...we may have done the wrong thing in the worlds eyes and pushed the self destruct button on our economy , but we are a nation of scrappers and survivors and also a very nice and cheap holiday destination with very good exchange rates , low crime , few guns and multiracial taxi drivers just like at home . We even made Donald Trump welcome , him and Boris are going to make politics entertaining for years . while quietly behind the scenes the people who really run this country and yours, get on with the job ...< insert weird horror movie cackle at this point >

Monday 20 June 2016

The Quiet Before The Storm

Sometimes this is the best bit of the day , just me and the ginger ninja before they all surface for the day , kettles on and im gasping for my first
Sorry ive not been around much , work and chores have rather eaten my life this week . The constant monsoon season weather we have been getting has turned the garden into a lush green paradise , gorgeous to look at but you know that once we get a couple of decent days there is going to be endless garden work to do . The Strawberries have kicked in , huge berries but very bland and tasteless due to all the rain . The fruit trees are weeks ahead of usual and laden down , poor show on the plums but theyre always erratic .
We had to take Young Baldrick to the hospital the other day , it had been carefully plotted with his keyworker so that he didnt know we were going or that i was taking him , just his eye appointment . So when we got there he was with his latest girlfriend , who was basically his clone  , dyed black hair , lots of piercings jam jar bottom glasses etc etc etc , so just to forestall an argument we kidnapped her and took them both to the hospital . Boston hospital is every bit as bad as its reputation , even worse there is nowhere to park even in the cripple spaces , Mr Bah Humbug had been dragged along so we could park so I abandoned Baldrick and his clone and we took ourselves off to the Brewers Fayre  up the road to wait for them , after all she needs to know what she has let herself in for .
This is the first time we have entered a chain pub in years , Barton House . Strange experience. The staff were all lovely and helpful  then Mr Bah Humbug pointed out they did lunch time specials and that he had sold something on ebay so lets eat .  Well it was food , there was nothing wrong with it . It was just so bland i had fish chips and peas, totally tasteless the fish must have been frozen back in the ice age , frozen chips and frozen peas. The plates were huge and red hot  , it just made the portions look pathetically small and the food itself was lukewarm . Mr Bah Humbug had gammon and chips once again nothing wrong with it just bland . You could have unlimited soft drinks and
I somehow managed to get the button stuck on the ice machine , its was throwing ice everywhere , i told a member of staff and it never did get cleaned up .
This makes me sound like a right moaning old biddy , but we eat out so rarely its a major treat .
Mr Bah Humbug was more surprised by the condition of the place there were trees growing in the gutters , the windows were rotten , handrails not attached very well and the paving wasnt great , it was clean just very time worn , big holes in the car park etc etc . We didnt expect a gourmet experience but this is the only eatery at that end of town and there were a lot of people visably from the hospital .
That was my highlight of the week and it turned into a huge disappointment , it wasnt that cheap either .

Tuesday 14 June 2016

Do People Just not Listen?

Yesterday I had a meeting with the bank, it all went rather strangely , I saw the nice little girl I usually explain all my woes to and she rang the credit control people and got me to speak to them . I explained that I now hadnt made a single penny from the business in 3 months due to companies failing to pay me and not paying me at the stated rates . That was fine . We did the income part of the interview , then we got to the expenditure part .
We need details of all your debts
These are my debts
No we need your credit and store cards your finance debts etc
Havent got any
Errrrrrr maybe we should go on to something else .
Well we went through the list of stuff and she got quieter and quieter , then she said i will have to put mimimum figures in all the boxes as we cant put zero .
So it seems i should be spending £20 a week on hairdressing and clothes, who knew?
Healthcare dentists and perscriptions £10 a week ...I wish
the list went on and on .
At the end she said that we couldnt possibly be living on the amount we have coming in and I had to explain that we are part of the lucky estimated 20,000 couples trapped in the benefits limboland created by the switch to universal credit .
She then said she was terribly sorry the best she could do was give me a 60 day break from the endless phone calls,letters and fees. Then set up a review for August to see if the situation had changed .
At this point im grateful for anything .
Now im off to talk to EE ...see if they can explain why when i rang to pay my contract mobile the price was twice what it usually is !! Wish me luck

Sunday 12 June 2016

A Party Political Broadcast from the Old Biddy Party

Today having spent the weekend in Thetford Forest listening to rather good psychobilly and ska , drinking my last tin of G&T for the foreseeable future and setting the world to rights with various scooterist affiliates , I thought we would have of one of my crystal ball looks at the current political scene .
Finally someone has stated the bleedin obvious fact that even if we vote leave it doesnt mean we will leave . Thankyou Samcams stepdad for pointing that one out .
It seems the referendum is a useless farce , we the voting members of the public have no say in whether we leave the EU or not , it is down to a vote by MPs and the Lords and even dear old Queenie who if she wanted to be a pain could flatly refuse to sign and stamp the paperwork , it would perhaps be a fitting tribute to her 90th birthday , "Oh dear Mr Cameron , I cant find a pen "
 I rather enjoyed watching Dave get a good mauling by a second generation Indian gentleman who stated another pretty obvious fact , that he cant get a GP or school place for his children and cant afford to buy a garden shed in the London borough in which he lives due to immigration  . sadly Dave and his little gang of public schoolboys do not grasp that these are the issues that matter to us the working class . It left him stood there flapping waffling and just not answering the questions . Well he could hardly shoot down the bloke with the usual , you are racist .
Im thinking of opening a branch of Hug A Corbyn , the more i see this bloke the more i want to take him home and feed him . But its his quiet smug little grin I like . he reminds me some what of Yoda , small inconsequential and really badass in an emergency . He really doesnt have to do a lot does he just quietly stand there at the ballot box calmly telling the truth as he drowns in Cameron sweat and the bile of the Tories . Dont underestimate this strange little beardy , ive a feeling hes just bidding his time and enjoying the Tory Party imploding . His own Party loathe him they want another Tony Blair but once The Chilcott Enquiry hits the ground somehow I dont think being a Blairite will be quite so popular .
Sadly the referendum is turning into a vote on immigration , we dont object to immigration , we object to the idiotic levels that have been allowed . Immigrants have enriched this country in so many ways . The vote to stay or leave shouldnt rest on a single theme its about so much more , our appalling inexperienced, no common sense government  , have merely shown us how spineless and useless they are . We should let the oldies take over they seem to be the only people showing a common sense approach to the whole situation, regardless of the party they support .

Monday 6 June 2016

Meanwhile in the Real World

The huge question this week was whether i would be paid this week , did I get paid? Sort of , the payment didnt even cover the cost of doing the extra work , after the bank took their share  I was left with nothing and quite a few things outstanding that need paying ..ho hum whats new . But its only 4 weeks till the next payday and im flat out for the company that pays me eventually at the proper rate , so they will all have to squeal for their money . Thats the cascading fact of self employment , its not till the top of the pile gets paid that us folk on the bottom rung get paid our share , it happens all the time . Mr Bah Humbug has pointed out that taking more of the same work isnt worth doing . Meanwhile I will continue on with the endless applications for other employment it would be nice if anyone ever replied or acknowledged me . Its been pointed out that my qualifications are all useless these days , it seems that o levels are redundant, unless you have NVQs you cant even get a job as a carer they also require  a 10 year checkable work history , somewhat difficult when youve been self employed for years , i did laugh when I realised that every employer I have worked for has now liquidated , the one that provides my current workload refuses to give references to anyone so thats me  buggered. I do have a couple of NVQs but they are in mechanical engineering, ive had a rich and varied career path over the years .
In fact I talked to a lovely sympathetic lady on the job center helpline who said in more polite terms that im up shit creek without a paddle , because im self employed i cant pack up work unless im declared bankrupt even if its costing me money doing the job , its unlikely  that i would find employment because of my age ..ffs im 52 thats 14 years till i can retire . But because I need some more years of employment to qualify for a full state pension I need to return to employment or sit on my bum while the Job Center pays my stamp . She suggested taking up voluntary work !!
Tempting , if I could afford it , Im sure the Citizens Advice Bureau would take me , I could deal with energy matters .
I once got offered a job with EnergyWatch the ombudsman lots of years ago I would imagine im now to old for that as well , in fact I might inquire !!
Sorry for the winge , life is really getting me down at the moment .