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Friday, 6 February 2015

Realistic Valentines Wishes

Its amused me no end that nowadays its not just a plague of holiday adverts on the TV after Xmas , theres huge amounts of internet dating adverts , even the spam box is full of them , apparently theres at least 7 men want to meet me in this . Being as this is rural Lincolnshire I would think thats the whole single population of the area . Maybe its the bloke with the gun who hides in the hedges down the lane , nice chap always says good morning .
But once you get to a certain age theres not a lot on offer , many friends will be spending the rest of their active lives nursing a grumpy ungrateful old fart , you know the bloke a few years older than you , with a good job and income , that you loved 20 or 30 years ago . I sometimes think you should be able to send your ungrateful better half off to respite care for a week, sort of the nursing home from hell , smelling of wee and boiled cabbage , a shared room with someone who snores even worse than they do and blanket baths from a scary non english speaking male who resembles a James Bond villain .  Maybe theres a market for this , Dragons Den here we come .
So heres a few thoughts on online dating at a certain age.

1     If you havent got a teenager available to interperete the online messages do not even think about it !!!  You can get yourself in a lot of trouble just by not knowing what theyre talking about and trying to appear cool and knowledgeable.
Before you know it youll be meeting some sociopath  in a Travel Lodge carpark .

2    All men lie, or maybe they just live in an alternate universe where the truth is a little bendy , but equally dont post 10 year old photos on your profile .

3  Widowers are a good prospect , if they managed 20 years with someone there cant be a lot wrong with them , they may get a little weepy now and again but at least the competition is only a photo .

4 Blokes with kids , assess the kids not them , are the children as equally vile as your own , be honest do you both own a black clad depressed specimen , do you have a daughter who should be at the vets being neutered. Are they small children away very fast  . or are they of an age when you both need another adult for support and protection.

5 Church and Extended family , they both know lovely men who they could fix you up with , be afraid be very afraid . There idea of lovely may mean breathing and walking unaided after all what more can you expect at a certain age ?

6 Be honest with yourself about what you expect to find , if you just need a useful male who can start the car on a frosty morning , fix stuff and marshall the kids , theres loads of choice out there , nope he wont look like Magic Mike , you may have to teach him a trick or two and he may come with baggage .

7   The gorgeous know theyre gorgeous , I once dated a bloke many years ago who was pure eye candy , hes now on his 5th wife .  I know why , he expected sex at least 5 times a day , didnt get it ,lasted a couple of You reach that age where a cup of tea and a cuddle are more important .

8  This is the important one ...if you finally agree to go on a date pick somewhere with good , unless they have the body odour of a ferret , have used a photo they have clipped from a magazine or remind you of Dexter , give them a second date .  Remember that gibbering idiot sat across from you is 10 times more terrified than you are. If you fed it decent food and got rid of the comb over  give it a year he might be quite  presentable . You cant change a man but you can improve on what you get ............

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