I knew it was going to be a bad conversation when my mother left me a message to ring her urgently , first thought. well shes alive, but it must be important because shes rung for the first time in years , wouldnt want to ruin her low user tariff . second thought its not the police ringing, so shes not in bother yet again . Third Thought , Aunty Mary hasnt rung , so shes not in the papers .
After her rabid racist rant , we are just about speaking , but as she cant see that anything she says is wrong , its a waste of breath .
So here goes
I left you a message
yes thats why ive rung you back .
Ive had a funny phone call, from one of those funny heir hunter companies you see on the telly , at least thats what they say they are . I need you to check it out on the puter thingy .
Not Aunty Mary!!
But she died when I was a kid.
Well actually no they told everyone that , they put her away , because she was disgusting .well she was an imbecile, she used to make funny noises and drooled .
You mean she was mentally handicapped
Thats what they call them now , they didnt let them walk the streets in my day . Do you know they used to try and make me play with her when i was little?
As you may have guessed , the handicapped are another of her hate figures , I dont know why she just doesnt change her will and leave everything to Ian Duncan Smith to provide for gas chambers for the unemployed, all immigrants and disabled.
The call was far longer and my daughter could tell I was boiling nicely . So I went off to do a little research online
Cousin Mary had died in June , in the care of the County Council in a very nice nursing home in the next town , shed been their over 20 years after leaving the mental hospital , she died intestate and the money will be split between my mother and the remaining cousins all 5 in total . This has come as a surprise as my mother had told everyone she died years ago . But then she told the family i had emigrated to explain why she had moved house and we didnt visit for 10 years , she forget to mention that she didnt tell us where she had gone !!
Then a thought crossed my mind my mother is the only one left out of the cousins they never married , shes as fit as a flea and the women in her family are practically immortal , theyre all doddering , I hope they left their money to a cats home or she will be sat counting her money forever