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Sunday, 1 December 2013

Xmas Bleedin Xmas

Today im xmas ranting , it brings out the worse in me im afraid , thats probably why Mr Bah humbug and I make a good pair. The problem is I just dont get it, never have never will .  I come from a family who  didnt celebrate it like all the other families did.  
My mother loathed her family , she still does at nearly 80 . they were a constant reminder of her background which was dirt poor in a way you dont see any more . Xmas to my mother was just a waste of money so we didnt celebrate it . But it was an excuse to make sure that the select few guests saw how much better everything she had was, than what they owned , her sherry was the best , her furniture had to have the best names her clothes were designer names of the times . She used to put boxes wrapped beautifully under the tree but there was nothing in them . she kept xmas cards year after year so people would think she was really popular .
My poor old dad was in awe of her , she was his goddess ,stunningly beautiful and he thought she could do no wrong . Beautiful maybe but she had a viscous tongue and she used it on him constantly . she wasnt just careful with money she was plain mean. 
Everday I was made to understand that i was a disappointment to her , i was a small dark lumpy child who looked just like my dad . Its true that its the bad words that stick with a child forever . I remember my mother telling me i had to stay in my room every time we had guests , because nothing she could dress me in would make me presentable or a credit to her . when bad things happened to me as a child i was told it was my own stupid fault .
Going down the years it didnt change , she eventually walked out on me and my dad for another man . Bless Tom , yet another bloke who was amazed that he had caught such a beauty . when the divorce came through she was horrified that she had to have a custody visit with me 2 hrs a week.That didnt last long, my dad packed us up and moved to the other side of the country after i became distraught at her making me walk on the other side of the street from her and her ignoring me when she was with someone . 
I tried down the years , she asked me to stop sending xmas presents because i couldnt afford to buy her anything good enough !! She moved and didnt tell me where , my step dad got in touch when he knew he was dying he said shes about to find out how lonely life can be and your all she has left.
So through gritted teeth we tolerate each other on the end of the phone , visits are few , she wont have my family there . she has missed her amazing grandchildren whole lives and has refused to see her great grandson as well .this last year her health has failed a little and i feel guilty , but shes still to mean to even ring me , I must ring her because she doesnt want to lose her low user tariff   Mr BH is baffled ,having just lost his mother he thinks i should make more effort , he doesnt understand that we may be genetically related but we have nothing in common. 
All our kids and grandkids are my achievement in life , but i just find xmas depressing. I go through the motions but not on a grand scale . As soon as its over im fine again , So im sorry theres no show and tell of a wonderful xmas nature , though i get to look through your windows at a real xmas, which is just great .

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